Tuesday, February 21, 2006

My Head is Going to Pop off of My Neck

I am now convinced that the world continues to revolve about it’s axis IN SPITE of the efforts of the majority of humanity. I have been bombarded recently with scary stories of how people in power have demonstrated their absolute inability to grasp the patently obvious. Let me step back here and say that, although I am about to lambaste the majority of the human race, I DO NOT engage in the type of intellectual pretension endemic to the people who usually make these proclamations. I am simply relating facts…

First, how do KNOWN terrorists consistently keep escaping from prison? Seriously, first it was from Guantanamo and then Yemen, and now Pakistan. Initially, I thought the first was the worst until I thought about it and realized that in the latter two the inmates have probably been beaten so badly they could hardly walk out let alone run. If we keep up this bang up job of prison security Amnesty International can hang up their hats, everyone will have walked out of those dens of human rights abuses before they can have their 40th protest this week. I am PRAYING they let them escape for some higher order intelligence gathering purposes but I think this hope may be in vain.

I have been trying to obtain contacts for the past several week (Actually, right now I am without contacts or glasses which has the negative effect of about, oh, 8 beers on my driving yet has the positive effect of the same number of beers on my view of women at the gym). I have been trading phone calls with the office until I finally reached them. Here is the text of the conversation..

Hello, my name is “Gold” and I would like to have the prescription filled that I received from Dr. X in your office last month.

Her: Ummmm…didn’t we have this conversation before?

Me: Yes, I previously called and inquired about how much my insurance would cover and told you I would get back to you.

Her: Oh. I see.

Me: So, I’m getting back to you and I’d like to order the contacts.

Her: So you would like to order the contacts now?

What I wish I said

Me: No, I want to sing along to the Mr. Ed theme track and then say Fuck the Contacts and ask you out to dinner.

What I saidI

Me: That’s right. I’d like to order them.

Her Oh, do you have your prescription?

Me: No, I was under the impression you had that


Her: Um, you’d have to go and get that from them and bring it here.

Me: Just so I understand you completely, you want me to drive down there, walk 4 feet behind you, pick up a piece of paper and give it to you? That’s what you are saying, correct?

Her: …………..

Me: Hello?

Her: Oh, I will get it.

Me: That’s great, when can I pick up the eyeglasses.

Her: Before we can place the order through your insurance you have to come in to sign a HIPA form.

Me: You’re kidding right.

Her: No, it’s federal law to protect your health information.

Me: Who the hell is looking for my contact lens prescription, the communists? Seriously, has the Shining Path somehow been revived and plan on extorting money from me lest they tell the world I am half blind?

Her: Shining? No, this has nothing to do with your vision, it’s just the law.

Me: I’ll see you tomorrow.

I know I am impatient and I am working on that. In the end, I had to bite it and drive to the store, to lay down a signature to protect my “health privacy” (which by the way is a load of bullshit. I’ve dated medical students and they break that violation about once an hour. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “Did you see Mr. XX’s wang? Or, that old man needed a genital shave”).

Back to my point, the world is falling apart. We see it in decisions regarding cartoons (I don’t need to comment on that), the FISA court (It’s a rubber stamp court yet we STILL need to bypass it), and Intelligent Design (The recent decisions are actually one of the few things giving me faith in humanity). I hope each and everyone of the people who read this decide to do something about the crap that’s loaded on you by humanity today (and everyday). The less we take now the less we’ll have to deal with later.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

The ISS is worthless (But space sex is not)

You know, I have always been somewhat suspicious of the space program. I mean, what do we really gain from manned missions into the great beyond? There are the usual canards thrown out there, microwave ovens, pens you can use to write upside down (I’m always doing that), even Tang (how that last one is a positive still eludes me) but most of the discoveries usually mentioned as positive results of our space efforts have been proven to be stretches of the imagination if not downright falsities. Unfortunately, many people are still caught up in the romanticism of shooting people 1000’s of miles past earth’s surface into space (weightlessness is cool….) and thus accept the necessity of manned missions (I would gladly accept unmanned missions for scientific discovery as well as to keep the lid on NASA being basically a federally funded research program for our aerospace industry). I, however, know better. Fortunately, the good folks at the ISS have decided to do something so inane even the most benighted earth dweller has GOT to see past it.

Picture this, you have 3 or 4 guys up there, sitting around the table and thinking “What the fuck are we going to do today? The weightlessness thing wore off months ago, I am tired of squishing out bubbles of liquid and slurping them into my mouth, there aren’t any women up here for weightless sex, and if we attempt to rationalize this HUGE waste of taxpayer money with “Tang” one more time they are going to shoot us into the sun, so we need to think up something quick.”. What do these guys come up with? They decided to stuff an old Russian space suit full of dirty underwear, push it out the door, and see how long it would take to burn up. Not only that, they are getting Ham radio operators the world over to listen in to help them “determine how long it will take the suit to burn up in earth’s atmosphere.”. As if it weren’t bad enough that they were actually releasing this to the press they are actually admitting that they are depending on every mesh-hat wearing farmer in the mid-west to help them calculate this “absolutely essential data”. Guess what, if you fall out of the space station and aren’t somehow absolutely covered in ceramic heat resistant tiles complete with one hell of a cooling system I don’t need a Ph.D. in astrophysics to tell you you’re pretty much fucked.

Everyone, I know that you think space is cool. Space is cool. What’s not cool is wasting billions of dollars on shooting people into space when we could be doing it with robots, monkeys, or basically anything that doesn’t add 100’s of millions of dollars per flight in safety measures. Let me go on the record here as saying I am all for space sex and, should the opportunity arise, yours truly will be first in line to knock that one off the list but I don’t expect tax payers to pick up the tab. Hell, even Lance Bass knew that you had to throw down some personal cash if you want that type of high (and he was only paying for the ride up and back, the lodging was free of charge courtesy of the mostly the U.S. taxpayer). So, please tell your congressman that you would rather the money be spend on finding ways to match women’s sex drives to men’s (The most cruel of all of evolutions tricks) or perhaps increasing research into teleportation (Seriously, quantum teleportation is already being looked at and, personally, I can’t wait for the day when I can beam myself into Cabo in the winter time (Or Keira Knightly bed…). Even so, whatever the crazy things we decide to spend billions on at one point (In this case it’s pushing a million dollar space suit out a window) we must draw the line. So speak up America, you’ll thank me in the future.

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