Thursday, May 26, 2005

You know what I could use? A little more stress..

You know what I could really use right now? A little more stress. I was thinking that defending in July, restarting a job search I believed to be over (but now am not entirely sure), finishing a paper, putting the final touches on my thesis, juggling actually having emotions again (that’s a later blog), and of course, losing my glasses just isn’t enough. Maybe I could be hit with some serious disease to put it all in perspective. I think a nice bout of tuberculosis would be good for me at this point. Then I could think, “Man, those days when I just had to worry about putting together my entire future in the span of 8 weeks were easy. I never knew how good I had it” as I took my 20th pill of the day to avoid coughing blood. Or maybe I could just be somehow held hostage (But only for a bit, kind of like a 24 hour bank hold-up.). That would give me time to reflect on how truly easy my life is right now. I don’t have to forage in the woods for food, my stomach isn’t distended due to intestinal parasites, and how I don’t have a history of dwarfism (Check out the “other terms” section in that link. It’s hilarious) running through my family.

Unfortunately, the whole prospect of “putting it in perspective” has never worked for me. I’ve never been starving in the Danube or on my death bed in Zaire so how the hell could I think about that and say “Oh, my life is great!”? I couldn’t. So, when you think that telling me “Oh, it could be a lot worse” in some way helps “put all of it in perspective”, take a step back, inhale deeply, and realize that it’s a completely fucking ridiculous statement. Maybe your time would be better spent hitting yourself in the head with a tack hammer than dispensing advice to someone who sees through bullshit like superman sees through women’s skirts. Of course, I'm great at pretending like it helps because I realize your intentions are good but a little bit more effort would be appreciated. Maybe not saying something like "In the real world you are going to have to worry about getting fired, not just not publishing" would be a start. And guess what, in the real world I will be getting paid more than 20K a year, will be able to quit without ruining my life, and will have recourse when my boss decides to turn peoples lives into complete and utter trainwrecks (not mine thank god) so the real world looks pretty good right now (If I was actually able to land a position I wanted. Having a Ph.D. sometimes seems like job repellant).

I am off to spend a few days with friends who call me even when I don't call them, pick up flights when they sense I might not go, and remind me that I am everything short of invincible whenever I am around. Trust me, I am one of the luckiest friends around. Havesu will be a cathartic time for me. I could definitely use the time away from the lab....


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