Sunday, May 01, 2005

It Should Have Been Me

I spend a significant amount of my time preparing for the day when I hit the lottery. In fact, I am probably the most well prepared person on the planet to "Hit the Big One". I have my dream house designed (It has an underground passage to a balcony built into a cliff, secret passages, and of course, a stream which runs through the entire first floor so you can get from room to room via a gondola. The stream is sort of a rip off of the Silver Spoons train theme but hey, a good idea is a good idea.), a method of concealing the fact that I’ve recently won millions (I will tell tell everyone I got the cash mowing lawns, surreptitiously of course. I believe that if people think I actually made the money they’ll be less likely to ask for $$$), and the gifts I’d give to my family and friends (There will be a whole lot of chartered jets to Vegas. I’ve even factored in the cost of rehab.). Thus you will understand how angry I am to have read that someone won the 208 million dollar jackpot and that person wasn’t me. A couple from Michigan, the Stebbins, collected their first check of 1 million dollars and set off across the country in an RV. That’s right, the best they could come up with after winning over 208 freaking million dollars was to set off into the wild blue yonder in an oversized rancher on wheels. The money is wasted on these people.

If incredibly fortunate events are going to happen they should happen to people who would at least make the most of their good fortune, people like me. I can see it now, the Stebbins will use their newfound wealth to sponsor their own NASCAR team, become equity partners in WWE, and buy out every Fashion Bug in the nation. Yours truly would be on a round the world trip with the boys acting as a good will ambassador to bars, beaches, and casinos everywhere. Screw RVs, it would be limos, jets, and possibly rickshaws depending on the country. There is a corollary to this; it’s the “I found Jesus” movie star. If you are going to be rich and famous you should do it right. What’s right you ask? I would say "right" can be found in the life of Charlie Sheen. This guy has lived the life one is supposed to while ensconced in wealth, fame, and power. Allow me to provide you with a quote from the linked a Playboy article.

PLAYBOY: Five women in one bed at a time?

SHEEN: True, but it happened only once. It wasn't a habitual thing.

PLAYBOY: Did you have them laid out in a pentagon?
SHEEN: [Smiles] No, it was just the end of the night and everybody had split. It was me and five girls, and I said, "Well, I'm up for it if you girls are." They're like, "Yeah, right." That was a challenge, so I went for it. I was with one at a time with the other four watching. It was a little uncomfortable, actually. I think I said, "Can you guys just look the other way until it's your turn?" I wouldn't recommend five at once. There's just not enough guy to go around.
PLAYBOY: Where do you normally draw the line?
SHEEN: At two. Even with two, somebody's always jealous. Even if it's their idea, someone comes away pissed off. Something happens and you spend the rest of the night apologizing for something they initiated. A lot of times you'll be with your steady and she'll invite a girlfriend; they'll get a couple drinks in them and say, "Hey, whaddya think?" Before you know it, you're into it. Then you pay more attention to one or the other and there are problems. Two women is a big guy fantasy that looks better on paper.

That’s just amazing. Kirk Cameron, you’re a jack ass.

So, I didn’t win the big one. I suppose I’ll have to continue working this whole “real world” thing until my foolproof lottery retirement plan hits but if I see one more headline that reads something like “54 year old Etch-a-Sketch factory worker hits the big one, buys lifetime supply of jean shorts” I think I’m going to snap. And oh yeah, Mr. and Mrs. Stebbins, if you are reading this I was just kidding. Swing by the east coast and pick me up; I’m sure I can find some inventive ways to spend your money.


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